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I Love This Feature

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An by feature, I mean regularly occurring diary series.  I remember the original piece the diarist refers to because I copied part of it here.  The following is a copy of the follow-up, written today:

Dear Conservative Free-Market Capitalism Muckety Mucks,

Ninety-one days ago I gave you thirty days to fix the U.S. economy that you broke:

I’m just a simple, average citizen who has listened to you jawbone for decades—amplified non-stop by Fox News, CNBC, the Wall Street Journal and right-wing radio—about how perfect your system of “unfettered everything” is. How greed is good and regulation is the devil’s work. And yet, you seem to be strangely ineffective at fixing it when it breaks. Could it be you’ve been bullshitting us all along? …

Fix the damn economy on Main Street already, you Ayn Rand-worshipping free-market capitalist wizards. Show us how it’s done. Be the heroes we’ve been holding out for.

Bummer. You couldn’t do it, even with a two-month extension. Not even close. Instead of rolling up your sleeves and getting to work, all you’ve done is continue pointing your fingers at the Big Bad Government—the one that statistics confirm single-handedly saved your asses from Great Depression II—and whine. Hell, even your Savior of All Things Economic, Grover “Ayn Rand With a Beard” Norquist, couldn’t convince voters in Washington and Maine that your ideas were worth a bucket of warm spit.

Oh, sure, Wall Street is thriving, in large measure because they’re up to their old backroom book-cooking tricks again. (I did challenge you to work your magic “honestly, ethically and legally,” remember?) But Main Street is still tanking. So I guess it’s true—you’ve been bullshitting us all along.

That doesn’t sit well with me. Because, see, I’ve been programmed by Frank Luntz and the GOP spin machine to think of two things when I hear the word conservative: fiscal competence and defense. You fucked up the defense part real good. And now you’ve failed to prove your worth on the economy. I mean, good gracious Gerty, I gave you 90 days and look at what you did: in what should’ve been your moment of triumph, you dithered.

While Bill in Portland Maine is regularly hilarious to read, he is also quite often center-of-the-target, spot-on with his bruising critiques of other people’s b.s.

This encapsulates perfectly the way I feel about our current, disastrous economic state.  The uber-religious “free-marketeers” have had a year since the Economic Crash of 2008 to prove once and for all that their approach worked best.  What has happened since then?  They’ve proven how craven and out of ideas they really are.  Yes, Wall St. is celebrating psychological values of stock markets.  Whoopty-freaking-doo.  Main St. is hurting worse this November than it was last November.  They’ve fixed nothing.  Millions more are unemployed while executive compensation reaches back into the billions of dollars, many of which came directly from the taxpayers.  They’ve sat on their hands while nodding and winking at each other over how clever they are, a perfect example of cyclical self-delusion.

So the next time a Con starts in on how wonderful their free-market religion is, have them explain, in detail and with examples, what the capitalists did to save the U.S. economy in 2009.  They won’t be able to.  Taking trillions of dollars of government money isn’t a free-market solution, according to their own dogma.


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